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Self Doubt Lifted!

I know that a lot of woman out there who struggle with their bodies and it doesn’t help that our society fills us with self-doubt. I use to think I was alone and that no one could relate to what I was going through when it came to my physical appearance. To find out that I am not alone is a relief, but a little bit of a bummer because of how I held myself back, on the idea that I wasn’t as good as anyone else. It surprises me that I didn’t let my control any of my decisions in the most positive way, yet I let television and movies control what I thought about myself. I thought I was healthy when I was under a certain weight limit and I did not take into account that I needed to be a little higher in body mass because I was tall as well. So, my assumption was I needed to weigh at least 120 or under so I could show everyone that I was healthy and show that I was taking care of myself, it consumed me.

With this in my head of a perfect weight managed by a scale, it ruined my health and body. I was getting sick all the time because I didn’t have the proper nutrients in my body to keep my body at a balance so I lacked a strong immune system. I was not menstruating on a normal basis because of the stress I was putting on my body by not eating a healthy diet and my mental state was disrupted because I was taking drugs and alcohol to cope. All of this attributed to my depression and the pressure of looking fit from society’s point of view. I really thought I was doing amazing taking care of myself because I was skinny and I played it like I was happy, but on the inside I was angry, hungry, with constant headaches.

I look back the old me and I’m so surprised with myself now because I was very malnourished which to be able to say now is easier than when I was younger. I thought that since I was skinny that I was healthy. It didn’t help my situation that my body was not as developed as the other girls around me and that made me very insecure, I hated myself for it. I felt like a defective person, just so broken on my outside appearance that I was being harsh on myself. I looked at all the actresses and famous people on magazines wishing I could look like them, but I was just not lucky.

There were times where I would look at my social media accounts and I would wish that more people would “like” my pictures as much as other women or friends. It made me feel like I was not as pretty as they were and soon I started to believe it. The time people would take to comment on their pictures and “like” them made me envious and I felt like an outcast and it was as if I could disappear and no one would notice. It all seemed unfair and impossible to compete in the growing population of conceited personalities or “selfies” that these woman had, even the famous women. I think that everyone is different and I am not trying to mad talk all the things they do because there are many other things woman do too. My point is I was just a jealous, insecure, skinny woman who needed a confidence boost and wish there was something better out there that could have saved me from myself while I was growing up. Sad to say that I regret not listening to a lot of wise, older, people I have encountered when they said stuff like ” Give it time” or “Make better choices and it’ll change” and the best one “Your beautiful the way you are!”.

If I had only  listened to their points of view and not just brush it off then maybe I would have learned that the positive input we get and give to other’s is what can give us confidence in its own sense. To make the changes, we have to take a real look at ourselves and be brutally honest. I knew I was eating wrong and that my drinking was making it nearly impossible to get anything in order so I had to take one thing out at a time. None of this could have been possible if it wasn’t for my husband. I stopped drinking when we moved in with one another and that’s when the changes began. Through my experience, you can not make the decision to get sober for anyone except yourself which to me I know to be true because I tried using other’s and situations as my way to sobriety before. To no avail they all failed horribly! Just to clear the air I did implement a lot of my ideas based from bouts with counseling, 28 day treatment programs, and AA meetings because my drinking was bad and like I said, take away little by little to get better.

The first couple of months were really hard because I had to stop cold turkey from boozing hard every day to none, so my withdrawals were a nightmare. My mental state was shot to the point at night when I slept I thought that people were talking smack and I hated sleeping by the walls because that’s how I heard them. To find out later that our walls are not connected to any rooms with any person and we are in a clean-cut corner of the house, just made me realize that I was paranoid bad. It was embarrassing, but to have my boyfriend(Dustin) just reassure me I was ok really helped with the transition. I began eating more and it was a great start to the beginning of my eating habits right, uhhh no wrong! I was so out-of-place and trying to find a medium with myself that I was replacing food with my drug of choice and I gained a lot of weight. To incorporate so much all at one time did create stress for how I wanted it all to be, it seemed all wrong to me still. Normally, I have lost weight from not drinking and here I was gaining way more weight then I have ever had. To top that all off, it was going to my stomach so I was a tall stick with a round belly and I felt way worse. (Sigh) I really was beginning to have a lot of doubts on the whole thing until I started going to the gym and got on the treadmill, I found out that day I could not run a mile without stopping and it took me eleven minutes to do a mile running and stopping. I was so angry and that was the day I talked to my husband and he was the main inspiration on gaining muscles and giving me tips on a healthier diet.

Just the talk with him opened up my eyes and made me see the impact of how great exercising would be for me because prior to my relationship with him, I was a workaholic and nothing mattered more to me than my days off lounging it on the couch and just relaxing because I worked constantly. Then, when I came out here it was a total 180 because I didn’t have to work and that gave me so much time to work on my sobriety, but all that sitting around and my “pity party’s” got me no where except sober and chubby. It was all going great, running and lifting weights to get back into shape was the highlights to my days. It gave me more to talk about with him because it did feel like I was always talking about my past so to be able to live in the present with him when he came home made me feel really great. I really wish that was the end of it but yes the food! We love our spaghetti, take out, and for me chips and energy drinks. I thought since I was working out that I could still eat whatever I want and my body wouldn’t retain any of the food I was eating. I kept on eating and cooking all the things we both loved and with our occasional eating out days it all seemed like I was on my way to success. Nope, dead wrong!

I was wondering why I wasn’t losing any of the weight. I felt like I was cooking the right kind of foods for us and I decided to do some research and I watched “Fat, Sick, and Nearly dead” and oh my goodness it shed a lot of light on how bad my food choices were. After that movie, I watched and read through what other ways to eat would be and it all pointed to meats,chicken, vegetables, fruits, and water which is plain and simple. Nothing else needed and it is easier said than done, I know, especially with all the influences out there. I remember that day, he returned home and I had a book full of my notes in my hand and I started going over my list with him. The conversation alone was so in-depth and great because to finally understand what my husband was trying to say to me before about eating all made sense. I gave him a kiss and a hug with an apologetic smile because I told him he was right and I want to change our eating habits.  It was what I found to be the most crucial chain to my change so I could embrace the new future I am going to have with my husband upon his return and to know he is on board makes me feel grateful for his full support.

Eventually, I was hooked and I started changing it slowly with minor bumps along the way. This is the very first year to ever feel like I am the healthiest that I have ever been since I was younger than eleven or even younger. The whole transition in itself is remarkable because I haven’t given up and it is a slow process that is paying off with hard work and dedication, literally. My running has improved, I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore, I eat healthier and eat more, and I am menstruating again which is such a relief because it truly does say a lot about my physical health. When I incorporated all of these ways to get better for finding my true self it opened up a stress free mind, body, spirit and enlightenment that I have grown in the few months working on myself. I feel so wonderful to see how making the changes has brought out the most in me as a person that my headaches are gone, I was getting them everyday, and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t judge harshly anymore. All those feeling of self-doubt did finally go away and no longer do I look at other woman and feel envious or jealous yet I am oblivious to their beauty because I am comfortable in my own skin now to just go about my day with joy and love in my heart. Social media is not important to me and I don’t go on any of the sights anymore because I feel like it takes away from the things and people around me.

It has helped that I have a reason to change and finally embrace the way I have always wanted to live, it just took love and sobriety to help me be true to myself which makes me really give a lot of the credit to my husband. I know this isn’t going to be a fad or temporary but a way of living for us, because I am going to implement it in our life together.

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The Final Outcome!

I feel a calm sensation as I go through all the memories with Dustin. Little did I know that we were going to get this far in our relationship. I remember feeling like I was floating on air the first time I met him because before we met physically in person, we talked all the time on the phone, and text messaged. Just within our first week it was as if we have always known each other through our long conversations. Goodness, I still get so bubbly because of how simple it all was, but I was the one making it harder to deal with in my own head I was scared it was not real because our distance apart. The main idealistic view on our new-found relationship was how we established what we have through “honesty”.

The thought of  pouring all my secrets and truths about myself to anyone was scary because I know how I am, and what was going through my mind was, what I am doing? I know I am inefficient when it comes to being in any relationship because my moral compass is messed up due to bad habits. To pretty much sum up my bad habits, I am an alcoholic and drug addict on my road to recovery with more than 9 months sober after my relapse, again. To say the least, it does take a lot of falling to be able to walk strong. Now that we have gotten past my idiocy, I was surprised he accepted all of my past because he knew I wanted change and we both didn’t think it was going to go far but to our astonishment we were wrong. Through our full disclosures of ourselves, we have become entwined with one another and fell in love. It reminds me of the rope just looping through and through each strand to make it stronger and durable, that’s what we are…strong. I couldn’t believe that there is over 6.7 billion people on this planet and we have connected by a simple chance.

It’s beautiful, I love movies and to see my love life play out like my a romance movie makes me know that the wait for him has been well worth it. I have watched many movies based off love in romance, comedy, drama, family, and whatever else I could get my hands on before I met him. I know, I am such a sap but come on, with so little faith for myself and relationships I was at least a pinch hopeful. When I was watching these movies it was all to feel the void because I was in denial, my thought was I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I said it out loud to those who knew me and especially for myself because the reassurance helped me get through the day.

I knew one too many people who were settling, or at least that’s how I saw them with their relationships. One day their single and then poof they are in a relationship and doing what I think happens, fall in love. I wanted that secretly but I decided that all my prior attempts at being a good match had failed, so maybe the thing I’ll do is have better standards. I was definite on my list of requirements that every time I met anyone or talked to anyone, they all fell short of something on that list. “No kids, no job, no car, and no communication skills then you get the boot!” It was all as simple as that and I know that is kind of asking a lot from where I am from because I feel that society still looks at single woman with no man as, in short, a spinster. So, up to the age of 26, I was amongst that poll but I know that not all women are known to be what I am assuming. We all have goals and its good to be prioritized and keep your options until you know you are with the one. It’s different for everyone is what I am saying and each individual relationship has to start somewhere.

The truth about my choices are because of experience and through them I decided that it was beneficial for me to follow my simple list. I may have hurt people who wanted to be with me, but I would’ve held myself back from being able to start fresh and to give myself the opportunity to show that I can learn new tricks. I laugh at myself just thinking of saying that phrase because of my mistakes being made over and over again, so I wanted to be better at changing it up.

It does sound like I despise kids, but it is the exact opposite, I love them. I am just a selfish person and I want the relationship to revolve around me and my better half until we are ready to make the decision for children. I wanted that chance to be able to decide when and I grew up with split parents, I don’t want to be the blame for their separation even in all reality it’s not my fault. I just know it would take a lot to have to compromise and I know it’s a futile thing to say but I wasn’t going to be second. I can hear the skeptics and negative criticisms right now, all I can say to whatever negative is ” I am happy I have my husband, he is truly the person I was waiting for, the universe showed me I am deserving of love.”

All the other things on my list aside from “No kids” is pretty much basic I think. I didn’t want to support another man with anything because I feel that we as women need that feeling of reassurance of stability and support. We are emotional, strong, and willing to thrive when in the most dire of circumstances and what better way than to be with the best person who is going to be there for you, through good or bad times. All of those feelings make me confident to say that I am grateful for standing up for my belief and faith in my goals for a great lasting relationship, because I love who my life partner is now, and until the end of our days. The complete serene aurora about him makes me smile that when I talk to my husband and laugh with him, we make it a point to embrace the times where we didn’t agree and see where we were wrong. Just being able to fix the little things like a simple misunderstanding or the sense of indifference truly helps us both love and appreciate each other more. I use to think that I was such a fool and I wasn’t going to find my special person, I was so wrong and it feels great to prove that my standards gave me a chance to see what potential love can bring out in a person.

Dustin does remind me how amazing, wonderful, smart, and beautiful I am which is by far the best wish answered in my life. I use to secretly wish for a man just like him and to say that my wish or prayer was answered and its so remarkable that I have been given a chance. You can say I was in denial of it for a long time, thinking the opposite of everything he said just to make myself feel better. Can you believe that?? Feel better, Oh my gosh! I sound insane, but it’s true. I was a reckless person and I was on my first step yet again with sobriety so I was making excuses and I didn’t want to admit to anything or accept my regrets. There have been moments where I would cry and when I allowed him deeper and deeper into my true self, I was starting to see how that love that he was giving me was real and it was nurturing my wounds. The self-inflicted wounds of emotional abuse I felt I had to endure to pay for the karma I created. In the end, after finding me in the despair, he was my savior and the one who has shown me that I can be better than I was. To know all of this and to feel his embrace as I go through life as his wife gives me the confidence to be sober. That moment I said I do and signed our marriage license, I made a vow to be with him at his side and take care of him as much as myself because we are blessed to have one another. This all makes me proud and loving of my life, even the mistakes because through it all, I learned. I learned to adapt and be real, my patience and honesty has given me a chance to share all that I am with my significant other. It has shown me that I accept, forgive, and will not forget the lessons I have gained through my failures and especially my triumphs.

Annoying and Thriving, Keep on Keeping

When I am unable to help others because of their ignorance to my advice, it gets annoying to know that I even gave a shit. Why would they come to me knowing they will do the exact opposite of what I tell them? Then they expect you to feel sympathetic for their choices because they want to be the victim of their decisions. I like to think they do this on purpose just because they are narcissistic and unwilling ability to accept that they are the problem. I know to walk away when I don’t feel comfortable with the conversation but just the fact that I live with them for the mean time, I have to make a compromise with myself. For me it’s the “pretend” game, it’s not like I don’t love them, but I love them enough to keep my irritation at bay. My anger tends to swell up on some days that I try to make every excuse possible to seem busy, just to prevent and an outburst. I have tried to make it work, and most days it does, by staying away from them and staying in my room. Sometimes the silence is great, but to know I can’t feel situated enough to have the occasional vent with them, pretty much makes it all strange. I tend to question myself “how are we even related?” and the love for them is there, but I just know how they are and what they would do if I were to show weakness.The attitude and vibe that I get from them is mixed because it reminds me of the bipolar rollercoaster I’d rather skip. I’ve been there too many times and I was the one sending the invites for that intense ride, but I see now that having no control over your emotions is unhealthy for you and everyone involved. It may sound like their cruel but I think the loudness of their voices when the nagging begins is what they assume is strength, I feel like it’s the lack of humility and kindness towards each other. Being rude is awesome for them to get their way, for me it drives me nuts. I just don’t understand why it has to be this way with them, especially when we all go into town. I just want to say “shut the fuck up!” but I know that would be giving into them and turning to the dark side, which we all have. The only way to be strong in this life and in everything I do is to rise above all the negativity and try to share my knowledge on how to approach certain situations. Then again, no one listens!

Pretty much when I do get the opportunity to show them something new, they just let it go in one ear and out the other. I must sound like a judgemental person right now because I am ranting about the ridiculous acts of the roommates in the house. Trust me if you were here, you would agree that how I am dealing with the living situation is more than anyone else could do if they had to be in my shoes. I  have to show them my independence and stand my ground when I feel like I am not comfortable around them because from living with them before, they know how to use the little things given, if taken, against you. For them it’s very rare “an eye for an eye” but more like an eye from them and an eye from you plus interest so pay up. It sucks that I had so much potential to get past this before but I allowed it and I was so disconnected with reality that they of course took advantage. When there are people like this in your life, your suppose to be rid of it and all the toxic from your life, especially family, but I am a fool. For me I must endure and continue to find ways to compromise because I know what I am waiting for right now is just buying me some more time. It is well worth the annoyance most days because I get to work on myself and find ways to improve my future. The one wish is I would like them to change just as much as I have and try to go through anger management counseling or find better ways to manage life because when they think they are in control by talking mean to one another, they look like kids with a temper tantrum just screaming and yelling for a toy.

Just waking up and hearing the voices of them yelling at one another does make me want to sleep more in the day time and stay up all night, so I can find a way to be less involved in the life they have. Yes, it can feel that bad at times to the point I want to sleep the day away because I feel depressed. Emotionally I know that all of our needs are different and I have tried to find ways to relate to them, but I am different in comparison to the way they see things. I am staying focused with my goals and keeping myself productive helps. Sometimes, the only control we can focus on is ourselves when all else is loss. I can just hear them complain about money constantly that I think they do it because I have money, but it’s money my husband works hard for us so he can take care of me. They use to do it when I was single and staying with them, before my husband, I would give in and get them food or snacks just to get them to be quiet because it’s so dumb to hear their problems. With him away, I know a part of me is gone and I have to maintain my responsibility as his wife. To be inconsiderate is very difficult for me and to be forced to keep them at a distance even with them close to me physically is not what I would wish on anyone. It just gets hard that when I am around them I want to just get mad at them and tell them I would hang out with them but they obviously do not understand boundaries.

To  hear myself and what I am getting out of my mind and out of sight makes me feel a little guilty. They have helped me out and I am not ungrateful, it’s quite the opposite. I have learned from them, without giving them the impression I am studying their ways,  that through them I have learned how not to be a shitty wife and that communication is key. I know I definitely do not ever want to belittle my husband if he is working hard for me and be more positive with the life I have because it encourages those around you to look up to you as a person. The respect I have for everything I have gained within the past year makes me appreciate my new life partner, Dustin, and I wish a lot of my knowledge would rub off on them. Living with them, while I have so much clarity and sobriety, makes me realize that I am doing amazing and my only approval needed is my husbands because he is taking care of me financially, spiritually, and emotionally while he is away. It just really gets under my skin that I am changing and no one is making any change or improvement. I wish it was as simple as the snap of my fingers but I have to take what I have and make the best of it, patiently awaiting for his return.

The great escape!

The moment she looked in the mirror and saw the tears streaming down her face, she knew she was alone. It wasn’t suppose to happen this way, especially with tonight being her graduation night. Just to prevent her collapse, she was holding onto the counter trying to get composure. Then she turned on the facet and looking at the water she felt empty and just wanted to feel nothing and be able to flow easy just like the water. How could she be who she is and not be as lucky as those who had everything? All the questions she managed to ignore were starting to emerge and she was crying even more. Finally she started washing her face and the tears were looking less apparent because she washed off all the make up she was wearing. The dreadful feeling of being lost, alone, and afraid reminded her of why she ran away. It all was beginning to look like the great escape but now more than ever she was hoping it wasn’t here. Finally, she walks out of the restroom and into the hotel room. She gets to the bed, searches through her purse, to find the prepaid phone she got yesterday, and decides that now is the time to let it be known what she wanted.

The life Jessica knew was very common to other adolescents who have had to deal with drugs and alcohol in the family. It felt to her like it was their excuse to claim that they were not the problem, but to claim she was the problem. No matter what she did, earned good grades, never miss school, listening, and still it was not enough for her family. She knew that one day she would be away from them but before she was able to reach her goal it was all over for her on the inside. All the family she had were her mom and two older brothers who were more than ten years older than her. It didn’t help that her mom used during her whole pregnancy with Jessica, but that didn’t stop her and yet she succeeded. The day of her disappearance no one was on a man hunt yet there was only fliers put up around town, then less than a month passes it seemed like she was forgotten. The life she was given was not what she would curse on anyone because of the distraught and emotional hurt she went through. When she was young her mom was very selfish and ignorant when it came to her need to use and she go on one of her binges and forget about Jessica and she had to endure long hours of wet and dirty diapers while suffering from malnutrition. The days when her mom had nothing and was sober it was even more difficult for her. She was so young and innocent, her own mother would get so upset if she would whine or if she was hungry she would then pay the price. It is a surprise, after all the torment, that she lived to survive another day from the endless struggle of the nightmare she had to deal with all those years. The physical and emotional abuse she had to cope with at such a young age was not what anyone should go through, that it made her feel more disdain for her family and those around her because how could they not see what kind of life she was living. From the moment she was able to do things independently at an early age, it made her realize that part of what her surroundings brought helped her to take care of herself.

As all the thoughts of her childhood fills her mind and all the cruel things done to her makes her realize that what she did had to be done. Maybe she was not in control during the time with what was done to her as a child, but at least she could know that part of her is gone, or at least that’s what she thought. She knew that she was going a little bit over board with the paranoia but with the thought of knowing a little girl was hurt in her childhood home angered her because what if this could’ve been prevented. It hurt her so much to feel anything from her past, it was let go a long time ago and to be a better person from it all shows her you can grow surrounded by the dark but it’s up to you to let it consume you. So, to have it all resurface was a burden on the work she accomplished to live her life. Something had to be done and once the plan came to light, it was set.

The people who had hurt that girl were arrested but her mom was still in that house with one of her older brother’s and she remembered that night, like the rest of her evil past. When the front door opened, the nerves kicked in but it was simple what had to be done, she had to end them. If she had only done something before she left all those years ago, an innocent child would be alive, but Jessica didn’t want to feel anymore from this because of all the resentment she already has.

In the hotel room her tears were for the lost innocence and the call was to let the new job offer know she was going to take the job. From what happened that night when she killed her mom and brother, she felt nothing from it but knew that she had to be quick because no one knew who she was and she kept everything paid with cash.The moment she came back to the room, she was already convincing herself it had to be done and that part of her can burn in the fire she started. If it wasn’t for the terrible memories she had to live with, I don’t think she could have dealt with the murders and arson right after but it was apparent it would set her mind at ease. To know that she can finally have closure after so many years, let her know that the direction she was going to go in life was going to help her help other’s find peace.

The new life she wanted in her reach and there was no more ties to her past because from what anyone could remember about her was that she was gone.

 

When he sleeps, it brings me relief

I was laying on the bed, I turned over in an attempt to go back to sleep but I couldn’t help but just watch him as he slept. It reminded me of the time when he took care of me when I got sick and he was so great that he made me medicine to get better. That whole night as I was suffering, Dustin made sure I was comfortable and put it on cartoons knowing that it comforted me. The very stroke of his hands touching my head with his fingers going through my hair strands so softly soothing my head. Just the feel of that whole night encourages me how sweet he is and how far he is willing to go to make me better. To know he does this for me assures me that when he gets ill I know I can baby him and take good care of him the way he took care of me.  I love how through him, I am learning a new sense of humility and patience.

He is so quiet and calm, just watching him gives me a sensation filled with so many emotions I just put my arm on his chest to see if he wakes up. He lets a deep sigh while still sleeping and to know he is still asleep makes my thoughts race. I just couldn’t believe it, all of what we have and what we are as a couple made me feel like we were just playing house. Everyday felt like it was all imaginary and I would get scared to wake up without him so if I woke up and was able to see him, I knew it was all real.  I am the type of person who constantly questions myself and others while being very harsh on myself. He is always the one who makes me feel like I am the most prized possession in this life, which makes me proud. When he holds my hands and gives me random kisses, it shows me how significant a person he is to me through the love we share. I enjoy how his words of encouragement has helped me step out of my comfort zone and become more comfortable in my own skin. How can anyone be this understanding?

The very idea of how he could be all mine helps me feel excited for each new day we have together, no more feeling alone in this big world. Just to be able to have my anxiety have peace after years of soul-searching helped me create such a bond with my husband that I can keep a hold on the latch in life. That’s when his alarm goes off and he wakes up stretching while I’m still holding him. Then it feels so great to have his arms wrap around me in his morning hug and gives me a kiss on the cheek unknowing that I was watching him sleep. He gets out of bed and starts getting ready to start his day and I am trying to get composure on the thought that another day already.

When he leaves for his day, I love his good-bye kisses and that smile he has on his face showing how happy he truly is makes me more at ease. I think it is so funny to think of all the times I felt inadequate and unsure about us, but it was all because I was scared to let him down. All of those negative thoughts of being insecure and demeaning are fading with time and I see the better part of me I lost from my addiction. The past has a way of making me get uneasy and with him at my side, I just hope for the best for us both. I don’t want to disappoint him by letting my will power become broken. I know now more than ever what I am capable of and to have to live with the struggle can bring up a lot of  emotional discomfort. With that in mind, I feel weightless from the stress and when I look in the mirror, I love my appearance as well as my inner beauty because now they are the both equally beautiful.

My life has become more simple than I have ever wanted it to be just because of the acceptance he gives me, I now love myself more. No one will ever understand it because to feel  like I was not worthy of love, was always in my mind but I was so good at hiding the truth that my denial was a part of me. Glad it is going away and I am finding the peace I have needed my whole life. I love the exciting feeling I get from the laughs we have when we are in complete unison, my life is a wish come true and I will continue to make myself stronger spiritually. Just all this from watching him sleep shows me what we have is real and reminds me how great our life is together.

He is always with me

The moment I kissed him, my heart dropped and my mind was at ease from all the worries. I was content with being single and having my independence was a privilege for me, a privilege I didn’t think was going to end. When I met Dustin, he was a charming guy who was so down to earth, I was nervous he wouldn’t like me. I remember telling him that I was tall and if I was taller than him then we could never be anything more than “just friends”. To know that he was nervous about the height makes me smile because after we found out I am a little shorter than him. It makes us cherish the past, the memories bonding us closer as time inevitably goes. I am very insecure but I cloud that with a great personality, but on the inside I am an emotional wreck. It surprised me when he was accepting of all of me, even my mistakes, because I really felt like I wasn’t allowed to have anyone as great as him. It was very neat to show him my home town and to describe it to him because most people would say its boring there but I saw it for so much more. In that sense, he saw me for more than mistakes and when he looks at me I melt. From the moment I knew that, I was relieved and happy to know we were hitting it off and I fell in love with him. The thought of being alone forever was lifted from me and to me there was no turning back. I know now that if I didn’t give us a chance that I would’ve lost the best thing this life had to offer, he is my wish granted.

All the memories together, laughing, a bit of crying (mostly me), and creating a foundation meant a lot to us. Dustin is a funny, smart, energetic, and loving person who shows me I deserve all the finer things in life. So, I am grateful even after hearing all about me, he was so understanding which showed me so much more about his personality. His view of life is simple, help other’s and be trustworthy because once you lose his trust it is not earned again. That is also another trait I appreciate about him because he knows how to protect me and he has great morals. I love how he is so sweet and kind to me and to those around us when we go out and about. Knowing that he is so helpful to other’s does show how generous a person he truly is and I believe that manners do go a long way because I am all about the “sorry’s” even when it comes to an accidental tap. It’s so great to share our awkward moments together because when we are alone there is a zero tolerance zero judgement for us and it makes it so comfortable. With that unspoken rule implemented, we have a lot of time to work on ourselves and we were able to communicate what we wanted in our relationship. It does take work but I wouldn’t have it any other way because of how amazing he is. There are so many times when I feel euphoric and it takes me back to the day we went tree climbing and just being in the tree with him made all the negative clouding my mind disappear. It’s so funny when we laugh and some of the things he does shows me he doesn’t mind my random rants when I get anxious or he doesn’t mock or ridicule me.When we are alone, I love admiring him and when he catches me I can hear him say “babe! that not nice!”. His sweet smile when he plays the innocent act but I know he about to do something naughty, it all reminds me how much I can not live without him. His whole being and aura about him lets me be myself and let loose, he’s my best friend.  We have connected so much on a daily basis that our sweet catch phrases stick and I like how we could be inside all day just being lazy and be completely at ease with it all. I enjoy cooking for him, it brings me peace of mind to know he enjoys my cooking because we get to be silly together especially when we both cook. It is so much fun working together to make our lives enjoyable and to know I have him to lean on shows me I’ll never be alone.

In public he gets a bit nervous so I get happy I am able to be with him because we feed off one another’s energy. His rituals in the morning are so sweet to me, always a kiss, and to see him walk out that door remind me it’s only getting better. Through my time of unemployment, he has let me find a way to find control over myself and figure out what I can do to stay sober. I’ll admit I have done a lot to stay and maintain my sobriety but I feel so complete with him. He makes me feel so beautiful on the inside, I am able to open up to him knowing there is no resentment in him towards me, and we want to share this life with one another. He tells me he is the lucky one in our equation but for us it’s “agree or disagree”. When he tells me how gorgeous I am, I feel so shy I get so gooey on the inside I just give him all my kisses. Not all of what we have has been great but simple disagreements has been a stepping block for us showing us what we need to work on as husband and wife. I know for sure if it wasn’t for him, I would not be this person I am now. I have more confidence and structure than I have ever wanted and he is so beautiful that I am beyond a doubt grateful he is the man who has my heart. The way he is as a man gives me the courage and motivation, that I want to be the best I can be for him and each day just gets better and better. I love you Dustin and the cute way you take off your socks. That chuckle in your throat when you laugh at things that I say and your innocent way about you when I know your up to something. This journey we call life is going to be the greatest now and forever because I no longer am alone and Dustin is with me as my guardian, my love.

The Craft she knew became her survival

My mother was taught many things by my grandma, the woman in whom I have not had the privilege of meeting. She was a hard-working woman who relied on her hands to provide for her family. Being the wife and mother of children does entail a lot of responsibilities of a woman who lives and works at home. The home for grandma was everything to her because it was where she fed her kids, my grandpa, and was also where she worked. Everything she did had purpose and meaning in her eyes which just hearing the stories from my mom makes me love the woman I never met. Weaving was a craft my grandma looked at for support, it to her was a life lesson she taught my mom amongst many experiences they both shared. Just to get the loom together was always a series a steps in order to get to the finishing work of art, but the process was a learning craft my mom has mastered since the day she was taught. When my mom tells me the stories of how they would sit next to each other and bond over their work, it brings a smile and lightness to my heart because I am able to do the talk with my mom. It was the love they have that makes the weaving more cherished and remembered, I want to learn it as well. My grandma told my mom that it would benefit her if she needed money and from my experience it did help my family.

After my dad was out of the picture, my mom worked hard and the skill she acquired from my grandma didn’t make it easier but it helped. At times if she made a nice rug she would get enough for groceries for a month but if it wasn’t big enough and was made quick then it would be good enough for gas for a few days. My mom was a single parent and she had to use whatever she could to help us get by, to survive. I knew it was hard for my mom to cope with handling with the stress of five kids, food, electricity, work, and keeping the house clean.  To her it all came down to finding balance and from what she tells me “grandma said when all else fails, weave and pray!’. My mom made so many different types of rugs and when I look at the pictures I am proud she kept her head up. I give props to her each chance we talk knowing that what she learned helped her survive even when we were at our lowest, financially and mentally she grew in her craft.

I loved waking up on weekends when I could hear banging because she was already working, and the smell of coffee throughout the house letting us all know she was awake. We got lucky on most weekends to be able to spend time with mom in the living room and hear her say sweetly “hi sweetie” in her loving voice that would make me sit on the couch behind her and watch her work. It brought comfort to us because she was busy but just to have her around us made the house feel warm and safe. My grandpa made most of the tools for my mom and grandma, some of the tools belonged to my grandma until she gave them all to her. From my view I like to imagine how beautiful it must have been to see them from my comfy couch view, just to try to interpret what they would say to one another in Navajo. I wasn’t lucky enough to learn how to speak it but I knew the basic terms and how I knew how much they loved each other. I could see myself pouring them each a cup of coffee with sugar and cream, hearing them tell me thank you. The life that my mom, Angelina, experienced is by far more intense to mine because of how she was forced into forgetting her language and the school system was very strict about them learning anything about our culture.So, knowing the struggle of my people back then still surprises me but my mom made it by staying strong. Reluctantly even after my grandma’s death, it was up to my mom to pass on the skill she gained and to show her work. The weaving and hard work to get a finished product was a way to survive and to me I feel like it’s another way for my mom to still have a connection with my grandma.

Through her struggle, I believe it’s amazing to see a woman with little knowledge of how she was showing me that when you are taught a lesson filled with love, use it to your advantage. I still can not believe that my mom feels no anger towards her past or any resentment from the difficult times. It makes me confused yet proud of her because she didn’t have an educational background or she wasn’t anyone who made a difference in society, but she was a loving woman who used what my grandma taught her to give her strength. I am happy just thinking of it because in a strange sense it has compelled me to gain some of her knowledge and learn to weave rugs and sashbelts so I can one day share my experience of the loom.

via Daily Prompt: CraftCraft