Self Doubt Lifted!

I know that a lot of woman out there who struggle with their bodies and it doesn’t help that our society fills us with self-doubt. I use to think I was alone and that no one could relate to what I was going through when it came to my physical appearance. To find out that I am not alone is a relief, but a little bit of a bummer because of how I held myself back, on the idea that I wasn’t as good as anyone else. It surprises me that I didn’t let my control any of my decisions in the most positive way, yet I let television and movies control what I thought about myself. I thought I was healthy when I was under a certain weight limit and I did not take into account that I needed to be a little higher in body mass because I was tall as well. So, my assumption was I needed to weigh at least 120 or under so I could show everyone that I was healthy and show that I was taking care of myself, it consumed me.

With this in my head of a perfect weight managed by a scale, it ruined my health and body. I was getting sick all the time because I didn’t have the proper nutrients in my body to keep my body at a balance so I lacked a strong immune system. I was not menstruating on a normal basis because of the stress I was putting on my body by not eating a healthy diet and my mental state was disrupted because I was taking drugs and alcohol to cope. All of this attributed to my depression and the pressure of looking fit from society’s point of view. I really thought I was doing amazing taking care of myself because I was skinny and I played it like I was happy, but on the inside I was angry, hungry, with constant headaches.

I look back the old me and I’m so surprised with myself now because I was very malnourished which to be able to say now is easier than when I was younger. I thought that since I was skinny that I was healthy. It didn’t help my situation that my body was not as developed as the other girls around me and that made me very insecure, I hated myself for it. I felt like a defective person, just so broken on my outside appearance that I was being harsh on myself. I looked at all the actresses and famous people on magazines wishing I could look like them, but I was just not lucky.

There were times where I would look at my social media accounts and I would wish that more people would “like” my pictures as much as other women or friends. It made me feel like I was not as pretty as they were and soon I started to believe it. The time people would take to comment on their pictures and “like” them made me envious and I felt like an outcast and it was as if I could disappear and no one would notice. It all seemed unfair and impossible to compete in the growing population of conceited personalities or “selfies” that these woman had, even the famous women. I think that everyone is different and I am not trying to mad talk all the things they do because there are many other things woman do too. My point is I was just a jealous, insecure, skinny woman who needed a confidence boost and wish there was something better out there that could have saved me from myself while I was growing up. Sad to say that I regret not listening to a lot of wise, older, people I have encountered when they said stuff like ” Give it time” or “Make better choices and it’ll change” and the best one “Your beautiful the way you are!”.

If I had only  listened to their points of view and not just brush it off then maybe I would have learned that the positive input we get and give to other’s is what can give us confidence in its own sense. To make the changes, we have to take a real look at ourselves and be brutally honest. I knew I was eating wrong and that my drinking was making it nearly impossible to get anything in order so I had to take one thing out at a time. None of this could have been possible if it wasn’t for my husband. I stopped drinking when we moved in with one another and that’s when the changes began. Through my experience, you can not make the decision to get sober for anyone except yourself which to me I know to be true because I tried using other’s and situations as my way to sobriety before. To no avail they all failed horribly! Just to clear the air I did implement a lot of my ideas based from bouts with counseling, 28 day treatment programs, and AA meetings because my drinking was bad and like I said, take away little by little to get better.

The first couple of months were really hard because I had to stop cold turkey from boozing hard every day to none, so my withdrawals were a nightmare. My mental state was shot to the point at night when I slept I thought that people were talking smack and I hated sleeping by the walls because that’s how I heard them. To find out later that our walls are not connected to any rooms with any person and we are in a clean-cut corner of the house, just made me realize that I was paranoid bad. It was embarrassing, but to have my boyfriend(Dustin) just reassure me I was ok really helped with the transition. I began eating more and it was a great start to the beginning of my eating habits right, uhhh no wrong! I was so out-of-place and trying to find a medium with myself that I was replacing food with my drug of choice and I gained a lot of weight. To incorporate so much all at one time did create stress for how I wanted it all to be, it seemed all wrong to me still. Normally, I have lost weight from not drinking and here I was gaining way more weight then I have ever had. To top that all off, it was going to my stomach so I was a tall stick with a round belly and I felt way worse. (Sigh) I really was beginning to have a lot of doubts on the whole thing until I started going to the gym and got on the treadmill, I found out that day I could not run a mile without stopping and it took me eleven minutes to do a mile running and stopping. I was so angry and that was the day I talked to my husband and he was the main inspiration on gaining muscles and giving me tips on a healthier diet.

Just the talk with him opened up my eyes and made me see the impact of how great exercising would be for me because prior to my relationship with him, I was a workaholic and nothing mattered more to me than my days off lounging it on the couch and just relaxing because I worked constantly. Then, when I came out here it was a total 180 because I didn’t have to work and that gave me so much time to work on my sobriety, but all that sitting around and my “pity party’s” got me no where except sober and chubby. It was all going great, running and lifting weights to get back into shape was the highlights to my days. It gave me more to talk about with him because it did feel like I was always talking about my past so to be able to live in the present with him when he came home made me feel really great. I really wish that was the end of it but yes the food! We love our spaghetti, take out, and for me chips and energy drinks. I thought since I was working out that I could still eat whatever I want and my body wouldn’t retain any of the food I was eating. I kept on eating and cooking all the things we both loved and with our occasional eating out days it all seemed like I was on my way to success. Nope, dead wrong!

I was wondering why I wasn’t losing any of the weight. I felt like I was cooking the right kind of foods for us and I decided to do some research and I watched “Fat, Sick, and Nearly dead” and oh my goodness it shed a lot of light on how bad my food choices were. After that movie, I watched and read through what other ways to eat would be and it all pointed to meats,chicken, vegetables, fruits, and water which is plain and simple. Nothing else needed and it is easier said than done, I know, especially with all the influences out there. I remember that day, he returned home and I had a book full of my notes in my hand and I started going over my list with him. The conversation alone was so in-depth and great because to finally understand what my husband was trying to say to me before about eating all made sense. I gave him a kiss and a hug with an apologetic smile because I told him he was right and I want to change our eating habits.  It was what I found to be the most crucial chain to my change so I could embrace the new future I am going to have with my husband upon his return and to know he is on board makes me feel grateful for his full support.

Eventually, I was hooked and I started changing it slowly with minor bumps along the way. This is the very first year to ever feel like I am the healthiest that I have ever been since I was younger than eleven or even younger. The whole transition in itself is remarkable because I haven’t given up and it is a slow process that is paying off with hard work and dedication, literally. My running has improved, I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore, I eat healthier and eat more, and I am menstruating again which is such a relief because it truly does say a lot about my physical health. When I incorporated all of these ways to get better for finding my true self it opened up a stress free mind, body, spirit and enlightenment that I have grown in the few months working on myself. I feel so wonderful to see how making the changes has brought out the most in me as a person that my headaches are gone, I was getting them everyday, and when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t judge harshly anymore. All those feeling of self-doubt did finally go away and no longer do I look at other woman and feel envious or jealous yet I am oblivious to their beauty because I am comfortable in my own skin now to just go about my day with joy and love in my heart. Social media is not important to me and I don’t go on any of the sights anymore because I feel like it takes away from the things and people around me.

It has helped that I have a reason to change and finally embrace the way I have always wanted to live, it just took love and sobriety to help me be true to myself which makes me really give a lot of the credit to my husband. I know this isn’t going to be a fad or temporary but a way of living for us, because I am going to implement it in our life together.

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