I feel a calm sensation as I go through all the memories with Dustin. Little did I know that we were going to get this far in our relationship. I remember feeling like I was floating on air the first time I met him because before we met physically in person, we talked all the time on the phone, and text messaged. Just within our first week it was as if we have always known each other through our long conversations. Goodness, I still get so bubbly because of how simple it all was, but I was the one making it harder to deal with in my own head I was scared it was not real because our distance apart. The main idealistic view on our new-found relationship was how we established what we have through “honesty”.
The thought of pouring all my secrets and truths about myself to anyone was scary because I know how I am, and what was going through my mind was, what I am doing? I know I am inefficient when it comes to being in any relationship because my moral compass is messed up due to bad habits. To pretty much sum up my bad habits, I am an alcoholic and drug addict on my road to recovery with more than 9 months sober after my relapse, again. To say the least, it does take a lot of falling to be able to walk strong. Now that we have gotten past my idiocy, I was surprised he accepted all of my past because he knew I wanted change and we both didn’t think it was going to go far but to our astonishment we were wrong. Through our full disclosures of ourselves, we have become entwined with one another and fell in love. It reminds me of the rope just looping through and through each strand to make it stronger and durable, that’s what we are…strong. I couldn’t believe that there is over 6.7 billion people on this planet and we have connected by a simple chance.
It’s beautiful, I love movies and to see my love life play out like my a romance movie makes me know that the wait for him has been well worth it. I have watched many movies based off love in romance, comedy, drama, family, and whatever else I could get my hands on before I met him. I know, I am such a sap but come on, with so little faith for myself and relationships I was at least a pinch hopeful. When I was watching these movies it was all to feel the void because I was in denial, my thought was I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I said it out loud to those who knew me and especially for myself because the reassurance helped me get through the day.
I knew one too many people who were settling, or at least that’s how I saw them with their relationships. One day their single and then poof they are in a relationship and doing what I think happens, fall in love. I wanted that secretly but I decided that all my prior attempts at being a good match had failed, so maybe the thing I’ll do is have better standards. I was definite on my list of requirements that every time I met anyone or talked to anyone, they all fell short of something on that list. “No kids, no job, no car, and no communication skills then you get the boot!” It was all as simple as that and I know that is kind of asking a lot from where I am from because I feel that society still looks at single woman with no man as, in short, a spinster. So, up to the age of 26, I was amongst that poll but I know that not all women are known to be what I am assuming. We all have goals and its good to be prioritized and keep your options until you know you are with the one. It’s different for everyone is what I am saying and each individual relationship has to start somewhere.
The truth about my choices are because of experience and through them I decided that it was beneficial for me to follow my simple list. I may have hurt people who wanted to be with me, but I would’ve held myself back from being able to start fresh and to give myself the opportunity to show that I can learn new tricks. I laugh at myself just thinking of saying that phrase because of my mistakes being made over and over again, so I wanted to be better at changing it up.
It does sound like I despise kids, but it is the exact opposite, I love them. I am just a selfish person and I want the relationship to revolve around me and my better half until we are ready to make the decision for children. I wanted that chance to be able to decide when and I grew up with split parents, I don’t want to be the blame for their separation even in all reality it’s not my fault. I just know it would take a lot to have to compromise and I know it’s a futile thing to say but I wasn’t going to be second. I can hear the skeptics and negative criticisms right now, all I can say to whatever negative is ” I am happy I have my husband, he is truly the person I was waiting for, the universe showed me I am deserving of love.”
All the other things on my list aside from “No kids” is pretty much basic I think. I didn’t want to support another man with anything because I feel that we as women need that feeling of reassurance of stability and support. We are emotional, strong, and willing to thrive when in the most dire of circumstances and what better way than to be with the best person who is going to be there for you, through good or bad times. All of those feelings make me confident to say that I am grateful for standing up for my belief and faith in my goals for a great lasting relationship, because I love who my life partner is now, and until the end of our days. The complete serene aurora about him makes me smile that when I talk to my husband and laugh with him, we make it a point to embrace the times where we didn’t agree and see where we were wrong. Just being able to fix the little things like a simple misunderstanding or the sense of indifference truly helps us both love and appreciate each other more. I use to think that I was such a fool and I wasn’t going to find my special person, I was so wrong and it feels great to prove that my standards gave me a chance to see what potential love can bring out in a person.
Dustin does remind me how amazing, wonderful, smart, and beautiful I am which is by far the best wish answered in my life. I use to secretly wish for a man just like him and to say that my wish or prayer was answered and its so remarkable that I have been given a chance. You can say I was in denial of it for a long time, thinking the opposite of everything he said just to make myself feel better. Can you believe that?? Feel better, Oh my gosh! I sound insane, but it’s true. I was a reckless person and I was on my first step yet again with sobriety so I was making excuses and I didn’t want to admit to anything or accept my regrets. There have been moments where I would cry and when I allowed him deeper and deeper into my true self, I was starting to see how that love that he was giving me was real and it was nurturing my wounds. The self-inflicted wounds of emotional abuse I felt I had to endure to pay for the karma I created. In the end, after finding me in the despair, he was my savior and the one who has shown me that I can be better than I was. To know all of this and to feel his embrace as I go through life as his wife gives me the confidence to be sober. That moment I said I do and signed our marriage license, I made a vow to be with him at his side and take care of him as much as myself because we are blessed to have one another. This all makes me proud and loving of my life, even the mistakes because through it all, I learned. I learned to adapt and be real, my patience and honesty has given me a chance to share all that I am with my significant other. It has shown me that I accept, forgive, and will not forget the lessons I have gained through my failures and especially my triumphs.