When I am unable to help others because of their ignorance to my advice, it gets annoying to know that I even gave a shit. Why would they come to me knowing they will do the exact opposite of what I tell them? Then they expect you to feel sympathetic for their choices because they want to be the victim of their decisions. I like to think they do this on purpose just because they are narcissistic and unwilling ability to accept that they are the problem. I know to walk away when I don’t feel comfortable with the conversation but just the fact that I live with them for the mean time, I have to make a compromise with myself. For me it’s the “pretend” game, it’s not like I don’t love them, but I love them enough to keep my irritation at bay. My anger tends to swell up on some days that I try to make every excuse possible to seem busy, just to prevent and an outburst. I have tried to make it work, and most days it does, by staying away from them and staying in my room. Sometimes the silence is great, but to know I can’t feel situated enough to have the occasional vent with them, pretty much makes it all strange. I tend to question myself “how are we even related?” and the love for them is there, but I just know how they are and what they would do if I were to show weakness.The attitude and vibe that I get from them is mixed because it reminds me of the bipolar rollercoaster I’d rather skip. I’ve been there too many times and I was the one sending the invites for that intense ride, but I see now that having no control over your emotions is unhealthy for you and everyone involved. It may sound like their cruel but I think the loudness of their voices when the nagging begins is what they assume is strength, I feel like it’s the lack of humility and kindness towards each other. Being rude is awesome for them to get their way, for me it drives me nuts. I just don’t understand why it has to be this way with them, especially when we all go into town. I just want to say “shut the fuck up!” but I know that would be giving into them and turning to the dark side, which we all have. The only way to be strong in this life and in everything I do is to rise above all the negativity and try to share my knowledge on how to approach certain situations. Then again, no one listens!
Pretty much when I do get the opportunity to show them something new, they just let it go in one ear and out the other. I must sound like a judgemental person right now because I am ranting about the ridiculous acts of the roommates in the house. Trust me if you were here, you would agree that how I am dealing with the living situation is more than anyone else could do if they had to be in my shoes. I have to show them my independence and stand my ground when I feel like I am not comfortable around them because from living with them before, they know how to use the little things given, if taken, against you. For them it’s very rare “an eye for an eye” but more like an eye from them and an eye from you plus interest so pay up. It sucks that I had so much potential to get past this before but I allowed it and I was so disconnected with reality that they of course took advantage. When there are people like this in your life, your suppose to be rid of it and all the toxic from your life, especially family, but I am a fool. For me I must endure and continue to find ways to compromise because I know what I am waiting for right now is just buying me some more time. It is well worth the annoyance most days because I get to work on myself and find ways to improve my future. The one wish is I would like them to change just as much as I have and try to go through anger management counseling or find better ways to manage life because when they think they are in control by talking mean to one another, they look like kids with a temper tantrum just screaming and yelling for a toy.
Just waking up and hearing the voices of them yelling at one another does make me want to sleep more in the day time and stay up all night, so I can find a way to be less involved in the life they have. Yes, it can feel that bad at times to the point I want to sleep the day away because I feel depressed. Emotionally I know that all of our needs are different and I have tried to find ways to relate to them, but I am different in comparison to the way they see things. I am staying focused with my goals and keeping myself productive helps. Sometimes, the only control we can focus on is ourselves when all else is loss. I can just hear them complain about money constantly that I think they do it because I have money, but it’s money my husband works hard for us so he can take care of me. They use to do it when I was single and staying with them, before my husband, I would give in and get them food or snacks just to get them to be quiet because it’s so dumb to hear their problems. With him away, I know a part of me is gone and I have to maintain my responsibility as his wife. To be inconsiderate is very difficult for me and to be forced to keep them at a distance even with them close to me physically is not what I would wish on anyone. It just gets hard that when I am around them I want to just get mad at them and tell them I would hang out with them but they obviously do not understand boundaries.
To hear myself and what I am getting out of my mind and out of sight makes me feel a little guilty. They have helped me out and I am not ungrateful, it’s quite the opposite. I have learned from them, without giving them the impression I am studying their ways, that through them I have learned how not to be a shitty wife and that communication is key. I know I definitely do not ever want to belittle my husband if he is working hard for me and be more positive with the life I have because it encourages those around you to look up to you as a person. The respect I have for everything I have gained within the past year makes me appreciate my new life partner, Dustin, and I wish a lot of my knowledge would rub off on them. Living with them, while I have so much clarity and sobriety, makes me realize that I am doing amazing and my only approval needed is my husbands because he is taking care of me financially, spiritually, and emotionally while he is away. It just really gets under my skin that I am changing and no one is making any change or improvement. I wish it was as simple as the snap of my fingers but I have to take what I have and make the best of it, patiently awaiting for his return.