When life begins to look up and there is no reason to feel the weight bringing me down, it makes me hopeful for the future. There is no one in sight to see me as I watch the blue sky. I love watching how the clouds are passing by forming and dissipating into white puffs, it always reminded me of cotton balls. With the air I breathe in as I’m sitting here on the grass, it gives me a sense of comfort because it takes me back to a more simple time. The time where running outside was exciting and all the energy from sunrise to sunset is how the day was normally spent for me. I don’t think I can remember a time where my sleep schedule was the same as my childhood because when I come back to reality it turns to static. I start to lose focus and the clouds that I was watching was gone which made me think of how fast the earth was spinning and here I was, still. From that stillness I snap back into my present and that’s when I look away from the sky. I look around me to search if I am being followed or if anything had changed within the past thirty minutes, then I begin to feel my paranoia creep in. Last night was still lingering and I close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm my heart because it starts to race again. Being outside trying to blend in and take a breather away from the chaos allows me to collect myself. All of this was a means to an end to the over racing heart beat that was making me scared when I knew I was going to be safe now. It just had to be the last time and I don’t think anyone who knew me would ever understand the earnest rhythm to my escalated adrenaline. I look at my phone finally, because I had to act like I truly was here for relaxation, and it was plenty of enough time spent sitting here and I was getting restless playing the waiting game. As I start to collect my thoughts I feel a sudden rush of ease and that’s when I knew I was high off life and what I could do with it was in my control. Nothing could ruin today because today was my success, I keep thinking no one knows. I start walking and I knew I dressed comfortable which meant I was light today with just my pink Adidas cut off shorts, grey sweater, worn running shoes, and a bag pack. All of this seemed familiar in a strange sense but I think I was over flooding my thoughts with negativity before I could stop it so once I got into the car I knew I had to turn the music up. Beethoven always knew how to calm me with his high crescendos and sweet alto and soprano notes that brought a sweet end to the negative. As I’m driving I know where I’m going first but I have to drive pretty far to get to my destination, hence the comfortable clothing and classical music. Road trips like this were the kind of trips I loved because I was alone and it’s the way I preferred it. When your on a long drive and there is company with you, be whoever they may be, it seems like there is no time for planning and readiness for what you know you must do. It could get shaky and the unexpected could happen which is easily prevented if your alone. Fewer mistakes and an even less chance of someone trying to hurt you while using every thing they know about you to their advantage. Those kind of back stabbings has not happened to me so far because I know how to keep people away from me with my subtle messages of the need to be alone. It all was perfect because the idea of family is not a problem for me as well since all the family I knew died in a fire when I was fifteen years old. Since that age I have not felt anything to make me yearn for that missing love. I, mostly, feel revenge and regret. When I heard the news about my family, apart of me died not knowing what was going to happen to me and with how I was going to handle my life. It all added up to my small inheritance of land and money with the insurance from the house and mortgage from the bank that I both didn’t understand so I willingly just gave my power of attorney away to my uncle. At that time, being so young, I was naive thinking it was in my best interest but I was wrong. My uncle took advantage of the money and took off which left me to end up in the foster system. He was all I had left and I was alone, scared, and angry with no family.
Trust no one and keep your personal life separate from the kill. That’s what this was all about in the end, it was my way of making money and staying on the road so I didn’t have to have any connection to where I had to be or where I have been. The only place that I have ever felt connected to burned in the fire with my family and I was not that damaged girl anymore for I gave myself to the fire to die as well. When you lose everything meaningful, what else is there to lose when you have to start from nothing except a name. I grew up and managed to survive on the streets because I wasn’t going to stay in the system for I only knew what was happening to teens my age, they all suffer at their own hands, death, or the hands of another. I had to be strong and I had to deal with tough times but I managed. The day I turned eighteen, it was all possible so I got my driver’s license with the assist of people I managed to trust and I bought my first car in cash The internet and technology is a blessing and a curse for people who want to be noticed or in my case need to be dead. I don’t do this because I’m a sociopath but I do it for many reasons, reasons that keep the circle to keep its 360 degree structure. I eventually found my uncle because of his lack of modesty and thinking I wasn’t going to search for him. It wasn’t hard for he was a selfish man and had bad habits so when I was shadowing him, I knew no one would miss him. It was his death that bounded me to the need to connect other’s with my services because when you lose everything and don’t want to get your hands dirty, I am willing to oblige. Of course, I was hoping my family’s death in the fire was for something more than just his need to benefit his life and better his gambling debt, I was wrong. It was all for him and I come to find the two other men involved that loaned him the money and he put up my family as leverage not knowing I wasn’t in that house so he could collect the money as beneficiary. How unlucky for him I survived and to find peace in helping other’s the way that I do makes me feel the need to help those who ask for my assistance. To find the other men was easy for me because I had confidence but once I was done with them, I managed to stay under the radar, which began my calling. Maybe it’s instinct but all the killing comes natural to me and I had to go through intense training to maintain a simple lifestyle with no connections to the world except to the task at hand.Through it all I find solitude in what I do because it keeps me moving but I know I need to stop soon or it’ll all start to unravel. When I start to feel like I’m becoming noticed my first reaction is to abandon the hunt, which is what it is for me. Before I took on this trip, I was feeling like I was being reached out way too often and occasionally felt like I was being followed so my anxiety would crept in. My motto is still “trust no one and to stay in the dark” and it was what has kept me safe for the light and day was what showed people my face. I am the one who safeguards those from harm, hurt those who are vindictive, and those who deserve it because I never take a job unless I know who I am taking out. I don’t do it all for the money but for principles that have allowed me to keep myself alive and to keep my guard up. I live in the darkness and I look like an innocent person in the day time but if your on my list “beware the night” for I safeguard those who call my name. I am the one they call for I have nothing to lose.