Undefined and Unrefined

There was that moment of shock from my memories that I get when it makes me resent myself. It is a feeling of unease and disgust in myself because how was I able to even live in such disgrace with no care except my next drink. I use to tell people I was fine and on the inside it was constant criticism of the real me. I was a manipulative, selfish, ignorant and untrustworthy person who I felt was full of secrets. It hurts to even think of the past but the past is who I am and doesn’t fully define me since I am changing on a daily basis. So, with all that known about how I was and the secrets that come up at random moments in my life, I still feel disgust. It’s truly a gross feeling that makes me cringe and when my memories flood my head most of them are funny and then they turn dark and I shut down. I was a “functional alcoholic” and after years of treatment and counseling, dealing with my recovery was always dealt with the restart button. For me, if I could be sober for a couple of days then that was only because I was truly broke and I couldn’t even borrow four dollars from anyone. I looked at my addiction as cheap, sustainable, and legal so that was all the justification that I needed in order to prove to myself that it was good. I knew the jargons and terms to prove to my family that I was trying and that I could be sober but behind closed doors I was scared and drinking did make life bearable. It was a lonely road, but I was keeping all my feelings about how I felt about myself at bay. The reason I drank was because I was a tall underdeveloped woman who was just flat in the front and back so much that I would’ve passed as a boy. In my eyes that was weird and no one made it any better for me because society makes women to look a certain way and I didn’t have anything to make me look beautiful. My personality was my only advantage so I used it, but little did I know that I am good looking on the outside but I wish I knew that then.  It didn’t help that my childhood wasn’t the best either and felt like I was not worthy of great things which surrounded by reality was just plain difficult for me deal with.in any aspect. We lived at the bottom of the money class in society so we were living paycheck to paycheck so I was miserable. No one in my family could ever truly know how I must have felt and not being able to express my feelings to my mom was tough because she told us “I raised you so now what ever money you make mommy gets” which was ok but I felt smothered by it. It drove me crazy because I think I was the smartest intellectually and was supposed to be the great one but I went down the path that was for the weak-minded and disaster lingered. I choose to be a loser when I could have done something different but I was so stuck on wanting to be loved by someone or anyone that alcohol made me feel invincible and invisible. None of what I was doing was making my life better than how I was imagining it to be. The mistakes kept piling on top of one another every time I made a wrong choice so I kept digging myself a hole. I was alone and since I knew I was getting worse and my lying, stealing, and manipulation tactics were getting enhanced it came down to me being able  to drink and work which made it easier. Nothing can make anything from those decisions change my past because what done is done. As I recollect and focus on them all, I feel like it is a dream and they seem made up in my mind but that was the life I lived. Being a functional alcoholic was fine most days but when I went on my drinking binges I did end up in the hospital, detox, jobless, no money, jail, or a mixtures from the list. I am always surprised at how I am even here today because there were so many close calls that when I told my husband he was just like “what? that’s crazy and here you are…sober!” This is but one story that I have from my past and I don’t think it’s the worse but being able to tell it does make me remember I do not want to be that person again. One evening I decided to go to Wal-mart and steal a half-gallon of “Lord Calvert” and I went to my friend’s house and we drank the whole night because she had brew as well. This all came about because my family and I got into an argument because I started drama when I was drunk the day before so I got kicked out yet again. I asked my friend if I could stay the night and she said yes. So, the next day we want to drink more and we both woke up still buzz from last night and we head to the park and finish off the half-gallon that we put in a water bottle. Some buddies of ours came up and had more drinks and pot so we all continue drinking and I smoke with them all just hanging out. I blacked out, and those punks left me, and the ambulance picked me up and I ended up in the hospital. Of course they had to pump my stomach and I got to sleep for the night which I vaguely remember. The next morning I woke up and thought “Shoot! Not again!” and I was looking good and the nurse asked me if I wanted to go to detox and in my head I was thinking “F%@& that!” and told her “no”. They checked my vitals throughout the night and she said that I look ok to leave if I find a ride and only if they pick me up from the hospital. She gave me a phone to call someone to pick me up and I got my clothes back, because I was in a gown, which was her mistake from the get go just giving me back my clothes. I was looking at the phone for a minute and the people I tried calling were all working and not answering. I didn’t want to call my family because every time they find out what I was up to they would nag or try to talk to me which I wasn’t wanting to deal with because I knew I was going to hang. The nurse came back into the room 20 minutes later and I was fully dressed and I told her “my sister is outside and has her baby with her so she can’t come inside. She wants me to just go outside because she has to go to work in a few minutes and picking me up is making her late.” The nurse believed me and let me go after giving me all of my stuff. I was so relieved and I was keeping my cool acting like all of this is legit. As I was about to leave I finally asked her where did they find me and she told me they picked me up alone at the park. I was pretty mad because my friend left me knowing I had no where else to go. Walking out of that hospital made me feel a huge rush of adrenaline and I got lucky no one was accompanying me because once I got out the doors, I booked it and ran for about a mile. My thoughts were flooding me all at once and I knew how far I had to walk and I didn’t want to walk sober because it was going to be a long walk so I already knew what I had to do. Through all of this I didn’t have a phone and my purse had only basic necessities so I kept walking and luckily my destination is literally close to the hospital and it only made sense in my head. I was walking towards Wal-mart and that’s when I knew already I needed a drink. I went in there and knew I had to be fast and its in the morning so I look innocent enough. I use to work at this Wal-mart so I knew I was going to see someone I knew and that did shadow what I was up to that morning. I remember it all like it was yesterday and I did get out of there with Two bottles. After I got out of there I was off on another drinking spree. I did crazy things like this because I was selfish and I didn’t want to change to save my life. The rush I would get made me feel strong and capable of anything which now thinking about it makes me a bit annoyed that I didn’t listen to my family. The insanity and repetitious cycle of it all is draining and toxic for the healthy life that I want. I don’t know what to think of it all at times and I have grown more from learning to forgive myself. I have to keep my sobriety first and remember that it does take “one day at a time” knowing that learning from my mistakes does take patience and forgiveness in order to heal and move forward.

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