Alone

When I look at myself in the mirror I wonder how I have managed to get this far in life! It is the question that floods my brain on a daily basis and I am yet to get an answer. I always knew what my next move would be on a daily basis when it came to my drinking and the schedule would come down to “liquor time!”. There are a lot of people out there who can relate but those that do not understand then I must say that you are fortunate. Alcohol and drugs is by far my greatest weakness and journey that I am very happy to say I no longer need to deal with anymore since I can choose not to. My life has become very simple and I have made a lot of changes that are not typical for those that work the program of recovery. On my part, I guess I just got lucky and I got tired of being powered by my need to use. I am not the most beautiful person but I know some part of me deserved to be happy even through all my mistakes and close encounters to death. All the people who I assumed were friends or people who I thought were always going to be there for me, just vanished when I drank.  So, my retaliation was to continue down my path of abuse and use whoever I thought deem fit to get my next drink. I know  many of you probably think “oh, great she used sex!” but no I didn’t.  I am a very social person and a great influence to those who are weak-minded and I worked so both came in handy. I was scared on the inside of being alone and not finding someone who could just love me for the way that I am or take a chance on me. I laughed at women who couldn’t be single and always went from man to man or woman to woman. I just did not see the use in relationships because in the end my immediate family was the only family I had that knew me better than any gossip other people were saying about me. My reality was I am always going to be alone and I will never find anyone who would like me physically because my body was my greatest fear. I let people in emotionally and always kept the physical part at a distance to safe guard myself from anyone who could ever see me! I know there are people out there that say “oh your beautiful on the inside!”. That would irritate the hell out of me and that just sounds to me like your agreeing that I am ugly so wtf!? I thought that making the decision to stay single was my best bet but I was found finally at the age of 26. It all happened in a span of two short months and I met him in person because he came to New Mexico from North Carolina to see me! I know ME? I was thinking it was all a hoax and  when he showed up with a subway sandwich to greet me at my work, I had to give him a hug and knew from that point on that my life was going to change. It just had to change for the sake of my life because down the path and direction I was going I was going to end up in jail again or, worse, dead. I feel blessed with my life right now and what I have accomplished because without the love that I do get on a daily basis I think that I would still feel alone and scared. I look at myself in the mirror and still think “oh god your such a loser and haven’t done crap with your life!” but I try to say three positive things about myself in the process right after. I do believe that no one is  perfect and we all make mistakes but we can get better if we continue to work on ourselves daily. I am no longer ashamed of myself physically and I can be myself with my husband and that feels so good to say because even through my past he sees past it all and only loves the real person I am without drugs and alcohol. It was all I ever wanted and I am so grateful to finally be able to understand that I do love me and loving him is what makes me feel safe and free from my inner demons. I am no longer a slave to the darkness that haunted my soul and I see beauty in me that I can share in this life with every breath I take he is always with me, I love him!

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